Week 7 - Intimacy: Interview each other.

Week 7: Intimacy; Interview each other. You can create your own questions or use these 36 Questions designed to make you fall in love or download the Storycorps app to find questions and record your interview.

Week 7 ran from February 10th through the 16th and that means that it included the 14th. Valentine’s Day has never been a big day with us. Fitz and I had only known each other about a month the first time it rolled around. I don’t remember that day, but I probably tried to head it off at the pass by saying I celebrate Arizona Statehood Day on February 14th, but not Valentine’s. The next year, I lived across the country. The year after that, we had moved to Wisconsin together, so it wasn’t until our 3rd Valentine’s Day together that we decided to go out to dinner to mark the occasion. The night was fraught with terrible service and attempts from multiple women to guilt Fitz into buying me a single rose while we ate. This rose-peddling induced the same feeling I get turning away children who want to clean my car windows while crossing the border; I want to give them money because it looks like they need it, but I don’t want to encourage the practice, so then I feel selfish, guilty, and a bit annoyed. Happy Valentine’s. We vowed to never go out on Valentine’s again. That’s good, because this year, I spent Valentine’s evening at a school board meeting and then came home, ate, and had more work to finish before bed. I read about a couple who did their taxes on the Saturday of Valentine’s weekend and then celebrated them being done with a nice dinner in. That sounds like a good plan for future years. This year, we had already decided we would spend some time together on Friday night, get some wine, and interview each other with the 36 Questions designed to make you fall in love.

The best part of the date may have been preparing for the date. We went to Costco to get some wine. Fitz found a pack of Jamón Serrano made by “Don Juan.” Yes, it sounds like a company that should be selling porn, but it was at least imported from Spain. As we were paying, the Costco associate couldn’t get the ham to scan, and yells out to a guy about 15 feet away, “Price check, J-A-M-O-N. Jam. On.” Fitz and I both turn to each other and sing “Jam-on” like we are Michael Jackson. However you decide to spell it (jamone, shamone, jamon…), it was the same instant reaction. The guy behind us was in on the joke and does a correct pronunciation, whisper-singing to the tune of Bad “or hah-mohn…” His voice fades as he hums the “really really bad” part accompanied with a barely noticeable hip thrust/toe point.

We get home, pour some wine, eat some ham, and start out with the 36 Questions. I had barely slept over the course of the week. Add wine and we know I will be asleep in no time. We don’t believe we will make it through 36 questions that night, but they are going pretty quickly at first.

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

Fitz: Alive, dead, fictional?

Me: Anything.

Fitz: My nan.

Me: Yeah, that makes sense. Mine might be… I don’t know. Alan Alda? Or E.O. Wilson.

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

Fitz: No way.

Me: Not even for cooking or something like that?

Fitz: No, not for anything ever.

Me: Me neither.

We get better about asking follow up questions because we realize some of these are yes or no questions. We make it through a total of 9 questions before I fell asleep:

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

Neither of us felt more in love or connected after that night but it was nice to spend time talking. We continued with questions later in the week:

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

For those of you who know Fitz and his predilection for detailed, winding stories, I want to let you know that he did tell his life story in 3 minutes and 40 seconds. He left out most of the details. I recorded it.

Fitz: I was born prematurely so I stayed in the hospital in Wales for 2-3 months. Then I was taken to the family home in London, where I remained for 11 years. Then I went to school in Ireland with the Jesuits for 5 years. Then I joined the army and was there for awhile. I traveled widely, learned and gained new qualifications and viewpoints, became a dedicated liberal, and moved to the United States. Eight years after moving to the US, I met my wife. [Burp] Excuse me. I always burp when I think of my wife. We had a funny first year and then we went to Wisconsin. I learned that I don’t like being cold at all and found out that my wife shares the very same condition as me… Winter-itis. Four years there. Back to Phoenix, where I cooked for awhile, and we finally made a home and that’s good, that’s awesome, because I finally feel like I have a home and that’s why I am reluctant to leave some of the time. And usually at this point in the book, there are pictures.

Me: The end?

Fitz: The middle.

As much as I hate to admit it, his stories are enhanced when there is no time limit and he can use some of the colorful details. We got through 22 questions that week:

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

Were we feeling closer or more intimate than usual? Maybe not, but it must have inspired some good will toward Valentine’s because I did get my first ever Valentine’s gift from Fitz on February 21st.

My first Valentine’s present. To My Wonderful Current Wife. Love it.

The next two weekends, we had a friend staying with us and other friends over. At one point, I pulled up the questions to see if they would be suitable questions with the group of us, but realized that they were getting more personal. I brought up 32 and 34 as topics of conversation, but the rest seemed better suited for a future date night:

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling _______."
26. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share _______."
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

We will have to wait and see if questions 23-36 are better at increasing our feelings of love and intimacy. The questions were designed to increase understanding in earlier stages of a relationship, so I’m not sure that our answers were particularly insightful or surprising after 19 years together. We know each other damned well and that was an insight on its own.

Knowing that these questions are broken down in 3 sets of 12, I would recommend planning this as 3 dates or maybe doing them over a weekend away or for a long road trip. We will probably wait to finish these on a ride to California or New Mexico.

Now to catch up on our other dates from February:

Week 8 - Presence: Observe animals in their natural habitat. Whether you participate in The Great Backyard Bird Count, feed ducks, scout land for hunting season, or watch for wild horses or burros, you can log your findings in iNaturalist.